The Blood Test Déjà Vu You Didn’t See Coming

Elizabeth Holmes’ infamous Theranos saga may have taught us all about the dangers of blind faith in startups promising the moon. But apparently, her partner, Billy Evans, missed that memo. He’s reportedly conjuring up Haemanthus—a new blood-testing startup targeting “human health optimization.” Or as I like to call it: "Theranos 2.0, The Bloodening."

Now, I’m not saying Haemanthus is doomed to repeat the sins of its predecessor, but if history is any guide, maybe keep your investments to a minimum and your skepticism at maximum. Investors were reportedly shown some sleek marketing materials. Because, let’s face it, if you can’t dazzle them with science, baffle them with glossy brochures.

OpenAI's Enterprise Domination: The AI Gold Rush

Meanwhile, over at OpenAI, things are looking a lot more like the gold rush. According to fintech firm Ramp’s AI Index, a whopping 32.4% of U.S. businesses are throwing their dollars at OpenAI’s enterprise solutions. It’s like OpenAI is the new black—everyone wants a piece, and rivals are left staring at their dwindling share of the pie.

Fidji Simo, former Instacart CEO, is now leading OpenAI’s Applications division. Imagine a world where AI doesn't just deliver your groceries but also anticipates your next existential crisis. Or, perhaps, it helps you find that one missing sock that somehow always disappears in the wash.

Key Takeaways

  • Haemanthus is the name of a new blood-testing startup from Elizabeth Holmes' partner. Yes, really.
  • OpenAI is now in over 32% of U.S. businesses—making the competition look like they’re in the wrong race.
  • Google settles its privacy lawsuits in Texas for a cool $1.375 billion. Who knew privacy breaches could be so expensive?

FTC's "Click-to-Cancel" Rule: A Comedy of Delays

While OpenAI is busy conquering the corporate world, the FTC is trying to make it easier for you to cancel that pesky gym subscription you never use. Their "click-to-cancel" rule enforcement is delayed yet again. The new deadline? July 14th. This feels like when you promise yourself you'll start that new diet... next Monday. For real this time.

A Metaphor That Cuts Deep: AI and the Barber’s Chair

Imagine AI as the barber with a pair of scissors, and the corporate world as a head full of unkempt hair. Every snip, every algorithmic decision, reshapes the world economy, trims inefficiencies, and styles innovation. But beware—cut too much too fast, and you might end up with a bald patch where your business used to be.

Apple Pay on PS5: Because Why Not?

In lighter news, PS5 owners can now pay for games using Apple Pay. It’s a minor tweak, but one that saves you the hassle of reaching for your wallet mid-game. Finally, Apple Card users can snag that sweet 2% cashback while buying digital swords and shields.

Conclusion: The Future's Uncertain, So Bring a Helmet

As we hurtle towards an AI-driven future, it’s clear we’re in for a wild ride. Startups like Haemanthus remind us of the cyclical nature of innovation—sometimes brilliant, sometimes bizarre. Meanwhile, giants like OpenAI are shaping the landscape faster than you can say “artificial intelligence.”

So, whether you’re investing in the next big thing or just trying to cancel that subscription, remember: the future is coming fast, and it doesn’t come with a seatbelt.

And if you ever find yourself overwhelmed, remember this ADHD joke: "I have ADHD, so I walked into a bar... and then back out again because I forgot why I was there."

Here's to hoping we don’t forget why we’re here in this thrilling tech journey. Cheers!