Ah, the tech world. It’s like a never-ending rollercoaster ride that occasionally throws in a loop-de-loop just to keep us on our toes. This week’s highlights? We've got blood-testing startups with familiar names, delayed FTC rules that might finally make canceling subscriptions less of a horror show, and a CEO musical chairs game that’s more entertaining than a reality TV show. So, grab your favorite caffeinated beverage, maybe a doughnut or two, and let's dive in.

The Return of Blood Testing: Haemanthus Takes the Stage

Elizabeth Holmes may have left the building, but her legacy of blood testing lives on through her partner, Billy Evans, who’s reportedly fundraising for a new startup called Haemanthus. The aim? Deliver “human health optimization.” Now, I’m not saying this sounds like the plot of a sci-fi movie where things go terribly wrong, but it does have that ring to it. Investors apparently got a sneak peek at the marketing materials, which likely included a lot of buzzwords and, hopefully, less fiction than Theranos’ infamous presentations.

Key Takeaways:
- Haemanthus aims to optimize human health through blood testing.
- Billy Evans, partner of Elizabeth Holmes, is at the helm.
- Investors are cautiously optimistic, but history has taught us to proceed with caution.

FTC’s Click-to-Cancel Rule: Not As Easy as Clicking "Unsubscribe"

The FTC has decided to hit the snooze button on enforcing the much-anticipated click-to-cancel rule. Originally set to roll out on May 14, it’s now delayed until July. It’s almost like the FTC is that friend who promises to meet you at 7 PM but texts at 6:55 saying they're still at home. The rule is supposed to make canceling subscriptions as easy as signing up for them. Because, let’s face it, finding the "cancel" button these days is like navigating a maze designed by a sadistic AI.

Key Takeaways:
- Click-to-cancel rule delayed until July 14.
- Aims to simplify the cancellation process for subscriptions.
- Telecom companies are about as thrilled as a cat in a bath.

OpenAI’s New CEO: From Groceries to Generative AI

In the classic game of tech musical chairs, Fidji Simo, the former CEO of Instacart, is heading to OpenAI to become CEO for Applications. This move is part of OpenAI's strategy to accelerate its enterprise adoption, which is already outpacing competitors. According to Ramp’s AI Index, a whopping 32.4% of U.S. businesses are now paying for OpenAI’s services. That's more than the percentage of people who can actually fold a fitted sheet properly.

Key Takeaways:
- Former Instacart CEO Fidji Simo joins OpenAI.
- OpenAI leads in enterprise AI adoption with 32.4%.
- Applications are set to become OpenAI's new growth engine.

Google’s Big Texas Payoff: Privacy Lawsuits Settled

Google is writing a $1.375 billion love letter to Texas to settle lawsuits over privacy violations. It's big money, but considering Google’s pockets are deeper than the Mariana Trench, it's more like a gentle slap on the wrist. The lawsuits accused Google of tracking users’ personal data without consent, a plot twist less surprising than finding a "Skip Intro" button on Netflix.

Key Takeaways:
- Google settles $1.375 billion lawsuits in Texas.
- Privacy issues were at the core of the lawsuits.
- Meta faced a similar payout dilemma recently.

Apple Pay and the PS5: A Match Made in Convenience Heaven

Here’s a fun one for all the gamers: your PS5 now natively accepts Apple Pay. No more jumping through hoops or using the PlayStation App just to buy games. It’s like someone finally decided that convenience should extend to the gaming world, too. Plus, Apple Card users can score that sweet 2% cashback, which is basically free money... if you ignore the cost of the game, the console, and the therapy sessions after losing to a 12-year-old in Fortnite.

Key Takeaways:
- PS5 now supports Apple Pay directly.
- Simplifies the purchase process in the PlayStation Store.
- Potential 2% cashback for Apple Card users.

The Closing Thought: Is Tech a Rollercoaster or a Lullaby?

As we navigate the whirlwind of tech innovations and corporate shuffles, it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement. But let’s not forget that behind every shiny new gadget or AI breakthrough, there are humans trying to make sense of it all. Technology should be the metaphorical lullaby that soothes our chaotic lives, not the rollercoaster that leaves us dizzy and clutching our metaphorical barf bags.

In the grand tapestry of tech, where every thread is a new story, let’s hope the future brings us more harmony and less drama. After all, life’s too short not to enjoy the ride—preferably without needing a Dramamine.

And remember, trying to keep up with tech news when you've got ADHD is like trying to watch a tennis match while riding a unicycle—exciting, but you're definitely going to miss something.

Until next time, keep your tech close and your chargers closer.