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bozodog

10 New Rules For The New Year From

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New Rule #1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a

reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you didn't like

them 25 years ago! Besides, I already know what the captain of the

football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule #2: There's no such thing as flavoured water. Flavoured water

is a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and

let it melt. That's real flavoured water.

New Rule #3: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven

deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,

because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned

exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh, wait. They're already

doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule #4: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy

old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a

remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's

remember, the reason something was a television show in the first place

is because the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule #5: No more gift registries, or, as they should be called,

greed registries. You know, they used to be just for weddings. Now

they're for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking

out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift

giving; it's a version of looting.

New Rule #6: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in

months. "27 Months". "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese or

a wine. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule #7: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande,

half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread

cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one

NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule #8: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it

doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And

it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything

spiritual, you were praying to God that you weren't pregnant. You're not

spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule #9: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care

about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule #10: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,

blond teachers are permanently damaged. They're not. They enjoyed

themselves. I have a better description for them: lucky bastards.

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I also agree with most of them. Except the last one, didn't have any hot teacers at my school. In fact only one woman teacher and she retired before I graduated

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