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Jokes Forum Post Your Jokes Here!

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Post your jokes here! But keep them clean!

A redneck taped toilet paper to his television.

He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!"

Family Reunion

You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend.

Redneck Marriage

How can you tell if a redneck is married?

There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Toothbrush

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

If it had been anywhere else, it would have been a TEETHbrush

Here is a very good joke. One of my favorites

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

Bad Drivers

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

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:angry:

Toothbrush

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

If it had been anywhere else, it would have been a TEETHbrush

I find this offensive. LOL!

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Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on...

> > The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table

> > because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

> > The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything

> > inside them is color coded."

> > The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;

> > everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

> > The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers.

> > Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the

> > end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

> > But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all

> > wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no

> > heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are

> > interchangeable."

> >

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New Orleans Saints

Q: What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?

A: The New Orleans Saints.

Q: What do the New Orleans Saints and Billy Graham have in common?

A: The both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

Q: How do you keep a New Orleans Saint out of your yard?

A: Put up goal posts.

Q: What do you call a New Orleans Saint with a Super Bowl ring?

A: A thief.

Q: Why doesn?t Baton Rouge have a professional football team?

A: Because then New Orleans would want one.

Q: Why was Jim Haslett upset when the New Orleans Saints play book was

stolen?

A: Because he hadn?t finished coloring it.

Q: What?s the difference between the New Orleans Saints and a dollar bill?

A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

Q: How do the New Orleans Saints count to 10?

A: 0-1, 0-2, 0-3, 0-4, 0-5, 0-6, 0-7, 0-8, 0-9, 0-10 !

Q: How many New Orleans Saints does it take to win a Super Bowl?

A: Nobody knows and we may never find out.

Q: What do the New Orleans Saints and possoms have in common?

A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road !

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Customer: "I can't seem to connect to the Internet."

Tech Support: "Ah, right. What operating system are you running?"

Customer: "Netscape."

Tech Support: "No, what version of Windows are you using?"

Customer: "Uhhh...Hewlett Packard?"

Tech Support: "No, Right click on 'My Computer,' and select properties on the menu."

Customer: "Your computer? It's my computer!"

Tech Support: "No sir, I mean the little picture called 'My Computer' on your desktop."

Customer: "I don't see an icon called that on my desktop. I do see one called that on my screen."

Tech Support: "Right, just right click that, and choose Properties from the menu."

Customer: "Right click?"

Tech Support: "Just a moment, sir." (mutes phone) "AAAAAAAARGH."

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According to the site they are true..........

Customer: "When I touch the sound card board at the back of my PC, I can feel electric current."

Tech Support: "Then don't touch it."

Read more of them here,

Rinkworks

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policeman questioning man involved in a bar brawl:

sir, did you strike this man in the excitement?

man: no officer, I struck him in the stomach.

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A lady walks into a drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?", the druggist asks.

"I want to kill my husband.", the lady says.

"I can't sell you any for that reason.", says the druggist.

The lady pulls a picture from her purse and shows it to the druggist. It's a picture of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband, and the woman is the druggist's wife.

"Ooohh," says the druggist, "I didn't know you had a prescription."

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LOL TG!

TG you posted this on BC so you get the credit I still think its funny!

Might have seen these before, but still funny.

Excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article . . .

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood

of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on.

The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

4. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "Bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it couldn't find the printer. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" implied to remove Disk 1 first.

10. A story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

CALLER: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

TECH: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

CALLER: "Yes, my cup holder broke and I'm still under the warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

TECH: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

CALLER: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

TECH: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

CALLER: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

12. And last but not least:

TECH SUPPORT: "O.K., Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

CUSTOMER: "I don't have a 'P'".

TECH SUPPORT: "On your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "What do you mean?"

TECH SUPPORT: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

CUSTOMER: "I'm not going to do that!"

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1. Only  in America......can a pizza get to

your house faster than an ambulance.

> 2. Only in America......are there

handicap parking places in front of a

skating rink.

> 3. Only in America......do drugstores

make the sick walk all the way to the

back of the store to get their

prescriptions while healthy people can buy

cigarettes at the front.

> 4. Only in America......do people order

double cheeseburgers, large fries,

and a diet coke.

> 5. Only in America......do banks leave

both doors open and then chain the

pens to the counters.

> 6. Only in America......do we leave cars

worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the

garage.

> 7. Only in America......do we use

answering machines to screen calls and

then have call waiting so we won't miss a

call from someone we didn't want

to talk to in the first place.

> 8. Only in America......do we buy hot

dogs in packages of ten and buns in

packages of eight.

> 9. Only in America......do we use the

word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

> 10. Only in America......do they have

drive-up ATM machines with Braille

lettering.

EVER WONDER

> Why the sun lightens our hair, but

darkens our skin?

> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

> Why don't you ever see the headline !

"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

> Why is it that doctors call what they do

"practice"?

> Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you

have to click on "Start"?

> Why is lemon juice made with artificial

flavor, and dishwashing liquid made

with real lemons?

> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

> Why is the time of day with the slowest

traffic called rush hour?

> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

> When dog food is new and improved

tasting, who tests it?

> Why didn't Noah swat those two

mosquitoes?

> Why do they sterilize the needle for

lethal injections?

> You know that indestructible black box

that is used on airplanes? Why don't

they make the whole plane out of that

stuff?

> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

> Why are they called apartments when

they are all stuck together?

> If con is the opposite of pro, is

Congress the opposite of progress?

> If flying is so safe, why do they call

the airport the terminal?

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The coaches in St. Landry parish went to a coaches retreat and to save

money they had to room together. No one wanted to room with coach Boudreaux because he snores so bad. They decide it's not fair to make one of dem stay wit him the whole time so they vote to take turns.

Coach Fontenot sleeps wit him and he come to breakfast next morning hair a mess, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happen to you?"

He say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I watch him all night."

Next night is coach Guidry's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He say, "Man, no, that Boudreaux shake the roof. I watched him all night."

Third night, coach Doucet turn. Next morning he come to breakfast bright

eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning ya'll." They can't believe!

They say, "Man, what happened?"

He say, "Well, we get ready for bed. I go and tuck Boudreaux into bed and kiss him good night," and with a sly grin adds,"He watch me all night long."

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What happens when you:

1) have nothing to do

2) own a sharp knife

3) have a large lime

4) own a patient cat

5) drink too much tequila

6) and it's football season?

pic20575.jpg

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LOL, Maybe I shouldn't have put it up here. Football season is coming up fast. And I can just see all them poor cats wearing there new helmets. :lol:

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One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana.

The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of

the homes.

Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.Thibodeaux,

waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house, then she saw

it float far out into the front yard then float back to the house. It

kept floating away from the house then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux "Do you see

dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husban, I tole dat jackass he gonna

cut the grass today, come hell or high water."

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