A Few Thoughts From A Twisted Mind.

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A day without sunshine is like night.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

What happens if you get scared to death twice?

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just do not have film.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

-Steven Wright-

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I have asked myself several of those questions...but they all seemed to have the same response...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA...thought i would share...

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lol some would make good tshirts

Or great AIM away messages!!



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