Jaspossum Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 > You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?EVER WONDERWhy they call them "black boxes" when they are neon orange? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cowsgonemadd3 Posted August 29, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 LOL I like those cat with cool football helmet....I own a sharp knife Smith And Wesson! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jaspossum Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 I have a Smith and Wesson knife too, just not a patient cat. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Flatiron Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 02/04/2004, 7:40 p.m. chappyrfdBad Puns:> Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.>> Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.>> Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage>> Burglarize: What a crook sees with>> Control: A short, ugly inmate>> Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets>> Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living>> Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist>> Heroes: what a guy in a boat does>> Illegal: a sick bird>> Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot>> Misty: How golfers create divots>> Paradox: two physicians>> Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.>> Pharmacist: a helper on the farm>> Polarize: what penguins see with>> Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV>> Relief: what trees do in the spring>> Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife>> Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size 6>> Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does>> Sudafed: brought litigation against a government officialDave------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLKLOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck.MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.RAM: That thing what splits the farwood.HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the wintertime.PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time.WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside.SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season.BYTE: What them dang flies do.CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag.MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields.DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps.KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys.SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives.MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn.MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole.MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof.ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all".RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tg1911 Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 Oh! Oh! He dun brout out de Boudreaux & Thibodeaux jokes.Hey tg1911,I was thinking about you when I made the post. Appreciate the thought.Now, let me dig into my notebooks here, and see what I can come up with. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tg1911 Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 Boudreaux and Thibodeaux hired themselves a pilot to fly them into the far north for some elk hunting. They got pretty lucky, and bagged themselves 6 big bucks. When the pilot got back, they started to load all of their gear, including the 6 elk.But the pilot objected, "With all your equipment, I can only take 4 elk. Your going to have to leave 2, behind."They argued with him; they said that last year they shot 6 and he let them take them, and this is the same make and model plane as the one he had last year. The pilot, realizing he wasn't going to win the argument, reluctantly agreed.When they tried to take-off, and climb out of the valley they were in, the little plane couldn't make it. They crashed into the wilderness.Climbing out of the wreckage, Boudreaux says, "Tib, you know where we at?""I think so, Boo." says Thibodeaux. "I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cowsgonemadd3 Posted August 29, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 Jap...I figured you had a good knife want a free cat Im on a dairy and guess what theres no shortage of cats! I have over 60 at the moment! ANd ten on my back porch! Thanks multiply like rats! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
JSKY Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 Jap...I figured you had a good knife want a free cat Im on a dairy and guess what theres no shortage of cats! I have over 60 at the moment! ANd ten on my back porch! Thanks multiply like rats! My God!! He's got a whole football team. Look out Denver!!!LOL Quote Link to post Share on other sites
handplane Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 Oh! Oh! He dun brout out de Boudreaux & Thibodeaux jokes.Hey tg1911Just for you.All the Boudreaux and Thibodeaux you can stand!!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
robroy Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 Nice link Handplane. now if i can stop rolling on the floor JD Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tg1911 Posted August 29, 2004 Report Share Posted August 29, 2004 Oh! Oh! He dun brout out de Boudreaux & Thibodeaux jokes.Hey tg1911Just for you.All the Boudreaux and Thibodeaux you can stand!!!! Sweeeet! lolI probably have 90% of 'em. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
handplane Posted August 30, 2004 Report Share Posted August 30, 2004 Dr. Visit> > I went into my proctologist's office for my first> rectal exam. > His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room > and told me to get undressed and have a seat > until the doctor could see me. > She said that he would only be a few minutes.> > After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.> While waiting I observed that there were three items> on a stand next to the exam table:> ^a Tube of K-Y jelly; ^^ a rubber glove; ^^^and a> beer.> > When the doctor finally came in I said, > "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first> exam. > I know what the K-Y is for, > and I know what the glove is for,> but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"> > At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and> stormed > over to the door. > He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......> > Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!> I said a BUTT LIGHT Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rv56 Posted August 30, 2004 Report Share Posted August 30, 2004 486-:The average IQ needed to understand a PCState-of-the-art-: Any computer you can't afford.Obsolete-: Any computer you own.Microsecond-: The time it takes for your state of the art computer to become obsolete.G3-: Apple's new Mac's that make you say"Gee,three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.Syntax Error-: Walking into a computer store and saying,"Hi, I want to by a computer and money is no object.Hard Drive-: The sales technique employed by computer sales person,esp. after a Syntax Error.GUI-: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it(pronounced "gooey")Keyboard-: The standard way to generate computer errors.Mouse-: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.Floppy-: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.Portable Computer-: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home,on vacation,and on buisness trips.Disk Crash-: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.Power User-: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.System Update-: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
cowsgonemadd3 Posted August 30, 2004 Author Report Share Posted August 30, 2004 Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man. The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"Mary Jane laughed and laughed! She knew that the shark was never going tohelp that man! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
martymas Posted August 31, 2004 Report Share Posted August 31, 2004 hereany one remember this from the old techtv c.f.h boardit isnt funny but it is dam clever marty Quote Link to post Share on other sites
il_wiccan Posted September 1, 2004 Report Share Posted September 1, 2004 For all you Help Desk people out there..... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
robroy Posted September 1, 2004 Report Share Posted September 1, 2004 Love it il_wiccan love it rofl. JD Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bozodog Posted September 3, 2004 Report Share Posted September 3, 2004 > Three Certainities in Life>> The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.>> "May I help you?" she asked.>> "I want to see Natalie," the man replied.>> "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you w ould prefer someone else," said the madam.>> "No. I must see Natalie," was the man's reply.>> Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Natalie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.>> The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.>> Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.>> The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.>> "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.>> The man replied, "South Carolina.">> "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina.">> "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.">> The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:>> 1. Death> 2. Taxes> 3. Being screwed by a lawyer. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
marko_tomas13 Posted September 3, 2004 Report Share Posted September 3, 2004 rofl that one is great Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tg1911 Posted September 4, 2004 Report Share Posted September 4, 2004 HOME REMEDIES1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup ofboiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almostinstantly removed.2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by gettingsomeone else to hold them while you chop away.3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat bysimply using the sink.4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for afew minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent youfrom rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snoozebutton.6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then youwill be afraid to cough.7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you willforget about the toothache.8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life reallyare: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't moveand should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the ducttape.9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.11. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you neverknow when you might need them to empty your bedpan. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
robroy Posted September 4, 2004 Report Share Posted September 4, 2004 #8 sounds like something from the Red Green Showhave to try #5 on my youngest on school mornings, weekends he gets up without even setting the alarmJD Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jaspossum Posted September 5, 2004 Report Share Posted September 5, 2004 An old man and old woman were watching TV one day when a viagra commercial came on. After the commercial the old man gets up, puts his coat and shoes on and gets ready to leave. The old woman asks, "where are you going?" The man says "I am going to get me some of that viagra." Then the old woman gets up and puts on her coat and shoes. The man asks her, "where are you going?" She says, "if you're going to get that rusty thing up, I'm going to get me a tetnis shot."Hope this isn't to dirty, if it is I'm sorry. Delete it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mikex Posted September 5, 2004 Report Share Posted September 5, 2004 A man goes to the Dr. all stressed out.After examining the man the Dr. said when he was stressed he go home at noon to make love to his wife. He suggested the patient do this for two weeks before he prescribed any medication.Two weeks later the man came back.Dr. "Well how do you feel? did it work?"man "I feel fine,it worked great!"Dr."Very well keep it up."man "OK...Oh by the way Doc, you have a very nice home."Mike Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jaspossum Posted September 16, 2004 Report Share Posted September 16, 2004 TRUE BRAVERYTrue bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, beingassaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask,"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tg1911 Posted September 16, 2004 Report Share Posted September 16, 2004 Two old men were sitting on a front porch just watching life pass by.Suddenly, a Great Dane walks across their front lawn. The dog stops, lays down, and begins licking itself.The first old man says, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that."The other old man says, "I don't know. If I were you, I'd try petting him first." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.